to the mama who's lost her way,

To the mama who’s lost her way. You are not alone. Maybe there isn’t anyone around while you sit here sobbing on this carpet, hiding in this closet, or driving in this car, but there’s a secret army of women who feel the weight of what you feel and who are shouldering this with you. Women who are hopeful and tired. So tired. If you could take a 40 foot view, and if longing hearts were visible, you’d see it. You would.
And here is what you’d see: fellow mamas, young and old, black and white, living with equal parts delight in our little loves and dread of losing sleep, joy in who they are becoming and melancholy that they will one day leave, fulfillment because we are growing a person, and longing because we may have lost ourselves.

This is called the paradox of motherhood.

When we enter into the long journey of giving and loving and teaching, we’re sometimes caught off guard when the baby or toddler or teen we so desperately wanted doesn’t always bring the fulfillment we thought they would.
We are learning mothering while we mother. We are like a runner who is learning to run after the race has already begun. What we thought was preparation was just playing house. Washing those baby clothes and reading those books was fun, but didn’t come close to addressing the emotion or worry many feel. There is no training that can prepare you for that. We find “what works” and then what works is merely yesterday’s solution, old news that no longer applies to today’s dilema. Today needs new thoughts, new methods, new energy--yesterday’s just won’t do.

Oh mama, hold on.

Now listen to me. Listen carefully. If you have wondered if you can do it: that means you certainly can--being unsure and uncertain are not liabilities, they are prerequisites showing that you take this job seriously.

If you think others are doing it better: this is your race and the way they run their race has nothing to do with you. Their race is none of your business.

If you long for sleep or quiet: there will come a day when you have more of that than you want, but in the meantime, find ways to get what you need--trade off with a friend, tag your man, grab the stroller and go outside.

If your day is steeped in chaos: pause, look at what you are expecting from yourself and cross 5 things off the list. When did we start believing the lie that our calendar and our to do list had to be full in order for our life to be?

If life has started to spiral out of control: take a breath, and tell someone. We were never meant to do this alone. When you need help, it doesn’t mean anything other than you are a human...it doesn’t mean you are inadequate or not fit for motherhood, it means you are a human. Read that out loud if you have to.
We are gifted these little ones, these cute squishy ones and we are tasked with pouring into their little lives all while we watch our lives change and shift in ways we never anticipated.
Maybe the way you were blazing forward was not the way for you at all, but this new trail you are trudging through is the one meant for you. It may be steep, winding, and hidden, but it is this very path you will one day look back on and marvel at the surprising strength and determination it has formed in you. Loosen your grip on what you think life should be, and begin to receive what it is. Could it be this is the path He has decided would make His words go from stale sentiments to your daily bread? Could it be this is the path that will transform your prayers from sweet memorized phrases to cries of desperation? And we all know how God feels about desperation. Could it be that God wants to empty you and then refill and remake you to not only be the mama you desire to be but to be the woman this world needs you to be?
Your life might just supply others following a few steps back with exactly what they need. Compassion, untouched joy, and inner grit may be the things God is working in you and wants you to share with others. And one day, may you look back and see this new way, this unexpected way, was the way meant for you all along.